


maybe i'm to blame or maybe we're the same

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 13 Reasons Why au, Bullying, Depression, Harry Wants To Die, Kinda, M/M, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-08
Updated: 2015-01-08
Packaged: 2018-03-06 15:21:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3139214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Goodbye, my love. See you on the flipside." </p><p>or where Harry publishes his thirteen reasons why he wants to die on Facebook, then takes an entire bottle of Lunesta. He leaves behind a distraught Liam and a love-struck Louis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	maybe i'm to blame or maybe we're the same

**Author's Note:**

> This didn't turn out exactly like I'd wanted it to, honestly. It's a lot shorter than I'd imagined and it's written in present-tense (again). Plus, it has only been revised by me because I'm a loser and no one wants to beta my shit, oops. 
> 
> Anyway, heavy themes of suicide, depression, bullying, etc. (There's a scene where homophobic slurs are mentioned, too, so yeah) Please don't read if you're triggered by these things. Heavy mentions of suicide, even a depicted scene of it. 
> 
> If you're feeling like committing suicide, please call the suicide hotline or talk to someone. Here's the link to the site, so you can use it if you ever need to: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org 
> 
> Title from 'Goodbye' by Secondhand Serenade

Harry's thirteen reasons why.

;;

Harry's not sure how it got this far. He's not sure when he decided that he needed to go, to leave, but that's all he thinks about now.

Liam's sitting next to him, blabbering about something, but all he can think is that he needs to get the fuck out of there.

He glances up at the time, sighing when he realizes there's still time left in class before he can go home and solve his leaving issues.  
"Do you think I'm a fella of average intelligence, Harry?" Liam asks, nudging Harry's shoulder.

Harry nods mechanically, eyes glued to the little hand on the clock. Even through the conversational buzz in the classroom, he's sure he can hear its little ticks taunting him.  
"Of course, Li." He says. "You're pretty bright, I'd say."  
"Thank you!" Liam sighs, shoving Louis roughly with his hand.

Harry grins at Louis, feeling too lovey dovey for a depressed person.

Harry's a love-struck idiot and he accepts that.  
"Louis has been telling everyone I'm a moron with a two point oh gpa."  
"He has the two point oh." Harry snickers. "You've got, what, a four?"  
"Yeah. I do." Liam says, blushing as Louis yells, "Shut up, Styles!".

The bell rings three minutes later and Harry bolts out of the room and to his locker, desperate to not see any of his more _violent_ classmates.

But he's not that lucky, apparently. Leaning against his locker is Mr. Big-Bad himself, Richard Roman. Though, Harry, of course, likes to refer to him as Dick.  
"Styles," Dick says, grinning.

He's a big guy, though only an inch taller than Harry. He's got broad shoulders and muscly legs and this beard that gives Harry the fucking chills.

Overall, he looks like a pedophile.

As it can be imagined, he's not exactly good with the ladies while Harry is (though he's gay) and that's probably the reason he picks on Harry so much.  
"How's my little faggot doing today?"

Harry doesn't respond, too afraid for the pale skin of his body to retort.  
"I asked you a question!" Dick snaps, pushing Harry up against the locker.  
"Let me _go_!" Harry snaps, brow furrowing in pain.

His books fall to the floor and his shoulders ache from the pressure of Dick's fingers.  
"The fag knows how to speak!" He roars and his little gang laughs.

Fuck them all.

They're all going to hell, Harry's sure.  
"Rich, get the hell away from him!" Louis snaps, standing a feet feet away. 

Harry wishes, for the first time in forever, that Louis would just leave. Harry doesn't want Louis to get hurt because of him.  
"You in faggy love with him?" Dick smirks and slams Harry into the locker again.  
"Get off him!" Louis goes to move, to run to separate them or something, but one of Dick's cronies steps in and holds him back.  
"I'm gonna make your boyfriend here watch you suffer! He can watch you writhe on the floor and beg for me to stop kicking your ribs in." Dick is a real asshole.

Harry wants to tell Dick to fuck off, to go get a fucking life, but Harry's a pacifist and he'll be damned if he lets Dick Roman coax him into fighting. No, he'll take the hits and insults over breaking his moral-code any day. He'll save that for his high school reunion when Dick's fat and old with a wife and six annoying kids and Harry's looking great in _Burberry_ with a beautiful husband on his arm (preferably Louis Tomlinson but whatever).  
"Tell your back-up to get off of him," Harry says, voice commanding but low. "Dick."

Dick pulls Harry forward and slams him back into the locker, hard. His back aches with the impact and he withholds a groan.  
"Don't call me that!" He snaps.  
"If you weren't such a dick, maybe I wouldn't have to! Now _let him go!_ " Harry snaps before he can help himself and he knows he's gone too far. 

He knows he's going to be walking home covered in bruises today.

;;

When Harry gets home, he's full on sobbing.

He's not sure why, exactly, but he's sure it has to do with how his life fucking sucks.

He's so worthless and feels the aching of it in his bones. The only thing not worthless about him is _probably_ his bones.

At least he could sell their marrow on the black market.

His self, though, is worthless.

He fumbles up the stairs, crying and screaming and aching because of his beating and because he's so fucking over this shit. God.

He takes off his clothes and goes into the shower, hating himself and the purple and green and yellow bruises littering his skin. He sits on the tiled floor, sobbing and clawing at his skin in an attempt to fix God's mistakes.

He just wants to fucking die, honestly. And he knows how horrible that is, but he doesn't feel it. Doesn't feel anything other than the need to leave.

So he clambers out of the shower and dries his hair, bypassing the mirror in fear of hating himself even more than he already does.

He pulls on his best clothes--tight black jeans and a sheer black button-up--and fixes his hair in the best way--a twisted quiff.

He sits down in front of his laptop, turning on the webcam and smiling softly, eyes red, voice wet, heart aching.

He doesn't look at his reflection on the screen, just minimizes it so he doesn't have to see his face. His ugly, worthless face.  
"Hi. My name is Harry Edward Styles and you might know me from school, but you might not as well. This video is to show you my thirteen reasons why."

;;

Harry finishes the video (and his surprise for Louis) and sets it up to post to _Facebook_. He looks down at the handful of pills, hoping that God doesn't punish him for hating himself and wanting to die.

Hoping he makes it to Heaven or whatever there is after life.

He glances once again at the pill bottle, reading the label again. _Lunesta_. Sleeping pills prescribed to his mother who has insomnia, so he figures they should do the trick.

He puts the pills in his mouth one at a time, swallowing them with a sip of--surprise, surprise--alcohol.

It burns his throat, but all he cares about is being free. He's finally fucking free.

He presses post on the video before laying on his bed and sending one final text before the end.

**To Louis Tomlinsexy at 4:36pm**

**I'm sorry for not telling you the truth okay. I just want you to know that I am in love with you and I think I always have been. Bye Lou. See u on the flipside -H xx**

His eyes close slowly, the pills taking their damned old time, before he's enveloped in sweet, sweet nothingness.

He's found his nirvana, it seems.

;;

Late that night when Harry's mother returns home from work, she checks in on him.

She coos at the sight of him, laying on his back and sleeping peacefully.

She heads toward him, reaching to tug the blanket over his body so he doesn't get cold.

But it's too late for that.

Harry's body is cold and frozen, trapped to be icy and unmoving for eternity because he's gone. He's passed on and left his mother to find the body.

She brushes the curls out of his face, gasping at how chilled his skin is.

 _Is he sick?_ She wonders, pressing the back of her hand against his forehead.  
"Harry, love, wake up." She jostles his shoulder but to no avail.

Harry's gone. He's been gone for hours.  
"Harry! Wake up!" She snaps, but his body remains stiff, unmoving. "Harry!" She cries and tears roll down her cheeks.

She presses her fingers into his neck, desperately searching for a pulse, but not finding one. She sobs, then, realizing her son is dead. He's gone, gone, gone.

She stumbles toward the phone, dialing an ambulance. She has to repeat her address three times because she's sobbing so fucking hard.

How could he do this to her?

;;

Liam doesn't check his phone when he wakes up for school the next morning. Just tucks it into his pocket after he changes.

He eats breakfast and then rushes to school, already late.

When he arrives, Harry's not in his usual seat and the room is suspiciously somber and quiet. _So_ unlike them.

Liam pulls out his phone, ignoring the _Facebook_ notifications to text Harry.  
"Mr. Payne, please put away your phone or I'll be forced to take it." Mrs. Green says and she glares at him from across the room.

He smiles, embarrassed.  
"Sorry, Mrs. Green. Just texting Harry to see if he's coming in." He pretends to tuck the phone into his pocket.

He places his books in a big pile on his desk, covering his phone with their shadow.

**To Harry Beary at 7:56am**

**Where are you??? Like are u sick??? or smth??**

As he waits for a response, he opens his Facebook app and checks his notifications.

He's been tagged in a video, posted by Harry.

He reads down the comments, gasping at them.

 **"Wtf is this real?!!!!?"** Says Niall.  
**"Harry ARE YOU SERIOUS?! CALL SOMEONE. CALL THE SUICIDE HOTLINE! DONT DO THIS!"** Says some girl Liam doesn't recognize.

Liam stands abruptly, rushing out into the hall to play the video.

Harry's voice plays out, sounding abruptly sad and scratchy.  
" _And these are my thirteen reasons why I decided to kill myself tonight._ " He says and Liam gasps, dropping his phone.

No, no, _no_! This cannot be happening. Harry isn't dead. He _isn't_!

Liam picks up his phone and calls Harry, nearly sobbing.  
"Hello? Haz? Harry?!" He says when someone picks up.  
"Liam...I'm sorry." It's Anne, Harry's mum. She sounds like she's been crying and all Liam can do is cry out.  
"What do you mean you're sorry? He's not dead! He can't be!" Liam sobs, falling onto the floor and cradling his face in his hands.  
"I'm sorry, love. I'm so sorry." Anne say and sniffles, crying with Liam.  
"No!" Liam snaps. "He's not dead!"  
"I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, Liam!" She sobs and he wishes she was there so he could hug her and she could hug him because he's a fucking mess.

More than anything, though, Liam wishes Harry was there so he could hug _him_. Just once more. But it doesn't seem like that will be happening any time soon.

;;

When Louis wakes up, he checks his phone.

It's a text from Harry.

Louis closes his eyes tight, before opening the text.

**From Harold at 4:36pm**

**I'm sorry for not telling you the truth okay. I just want you to know that I am in love with you and I think I always have been. Bye Lou. See u on the flipside -H xx**

Louis gasps and stands, knocking his blankets to the floor.

Harry feels the same way?  
"Fuck," he mumbles as he stumbles into jeans and a t-shirt.

He checks the clock, cursing when he sees 7:36. He's still got a fifteen minute drive to school and the anticipation in his chest kills him the entire way.

;;

When he arrives, he checks in at the front desk, taking the late slip graciously.

He slips down the hallway, staring confusedly at Liam sitting on the floor.  
"Liam?" Louis says, frowning. "What's wrong?"

Liam looks up and Louis notices that he's crying.

Liam hardly ever cries.

Louis runs forward, discarding his late pass, and hugging Liam tightly.  
"Shh," he coos, squeezing Liam tightly. "Shh. What's wrong?"  
"Harry...He..." Liam sobs again, clinging tightly to Louis' small frame.

What has Harry done now? Was the _I-am-in-love-with-you-text_ a joke? Did he do the same to Liam?  
"He's dead, Louis!" Liam cries, voice muffled but Louis hears it anyway.  
"Don't fuck around like this, Liam. It's not fucking funny." Louis snaps, pulling away.  
"No, I'm serious." He cries. "Here, here!"

He hands Louis his phone, pressing play on the video.

Louis takes the phone, arm still half wrapped around Liam, and watches.  
"My first reason is not a thing, but a _person._ He's bullied me for years. Taunted and tortured me. As I die today, I'll be covered in bruises made by his hands and his feet." Harry sighs and Louis frowns, lip wobbling.

Has he really...?  
"I won't tell you his name because I don't want him to suffer consequences by my hands like I had to by his. The only thing I wish upon him is a metamorphosis of sorts. I hope he sorts out his deep-seeded homophobia and realizes that it's okay to be gay. Maybe cut back a little on the beatings as well." He chuckles, dark and dry.  
"Reason number two is because I'm hideous. Can't you see it? Acne and greasy skin. Too-thin legs and a squishy stomach.  
"Reason three is because I loathe myself. Every single thing about me is imperfect. And to this people that say ' _you're imperfections make you beautiful!'_ , you're all fucking liars. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. It's a fact of life.  
"Reason four is because I'm in love with someone who will never love me back. He's oblivious, of course, because who would want to realize that someone as hideous as me is in love with them? I'm fucking grotesque." Harry chuckles, anti-humourous. "I'm in love with him, though, and all of his little things. His imperfections make me love him, but mine only make him distant. It's not his fault, though. It's mine. All mine.  
"Reason five is for Liam. He's too good to be tied down by my failure. Sure, you'll be sad for a while, Liam, but you'll move on. Probably marry that boy in your biology class with the golden cat eyes. I hope you two get what Louis and I never will.  
"Reason six is for myself. I can't deal with the stress of living anymore. It's...too great. So I'm leaving and hopefully I don't leave any permanent scars.  
"Reason seven is because of my father. Now that I--the bastard child--am gone, maybe you'll come back to mum. Have a non-bastardized kid or something. Get re-married. Live life as you wished to, dad. Just love mum wholly for me, okay?  
"Reason eight is for my mother. She needs to move on. I'm absolutely certain that my death with leave her wrecked, but she'll recover. She always has. Even when Gem left, she dealt with it. She'll deal with this as well.  
"Reason nine is because I don't want to be around for the end of the world. Sure, it could happen millions of years from now, but it could also happen tomorrow and it will be catastrophic. Millions will die, the earth with be in ruins. I'd rather die at my own hand--by a bottle of fucking _Lunesta_ \--than sit around and wait for the zombies to rise or for the sun to blow.  
"Reason ten is because of Louis. God, he's perfect. You can't help but fall in love when he smiles or laughs or does that thing where he's an annoyingly sassy twat." Harry laughs, sad and distant, tears in his beautiful, beautiful eyes for the first time since the beginning of the video while Louis sobs, hard. "And I love him. Simple as that. I love him and I always will.  
"I want everyone to know that this is not how I planned out my life. I hadn't planned on committing suicide tonight. I just...did. Or am committing, I guess. Some of you will be annyoed because I uploaded this to Facebook, but I'm posting this there for a reason. Because I don't know how else to get it out there to the people that I love, the people that I pity, the people I know." Harry sighs, pausing for a long, aching moment. 

Louis' heart is hammering in his chest as he leans fully on Liam. Their arms are wrapped around each other as they cry, watching their best mate--the love of Louis' _life_ \--speak about his death like it's a movie description.  
"Those were my ten reasons." He bites his lip, gnawing on it in a way Louis knows means he's going to sob. 

He had yet to do that, so.  
"Those were my reasons and now that the world knows them, I'm free to leave. By the time anyone sees this, I'll be long gone. I love you and...I'm sorry, mum, Liam, Louis. I'm so fucking sorry."

The screen goes dark and Louis gapes at it, because no, that cannot be the end of Harry Styles. It can _not_!  
"This is some twisted mother fucking joke." Louis yells, standing up and kicking at the wall, hard. His toes ache, but he doesn't care. "Who the fuck would fuck around like this?"  
"Lou," Liam says, frowning with tears in his eyes. "It's real. No one's fucking around."  
"Harry cannot be dead!" Louis snaps, and his resolve breaks. 

He falls to the floor, hugging his knees to his chest as he sobs.  
"No! He can't be! I love him and now he'll never know, Liam!" He cries and Liam hugs him tightly. "He'll...never fucking know."

Louis grasps Liam's t-shirt in his hands, squeezing the fabric so hard between his fingers that they ache. 

He sobs out Harry's name, pressing his face into Liam's chest to smell something other than salty tears.  
"Shh, Lou." Liam whispers, hand firmly pressed over the back of Louis' head. 

Louis figures this is probably how the rest of his life will go. 

Liam holding him up as he wrecks his life over and over again. 

;;

Louis goes to Harry's before first period even begins. He crawls through the window like he'd done hundreds of times and glances around at the messy room. 

_It looks the same,_ he muses to himself, _but yet so fucking different._

Instead of the safe smell Louis has associated with Harry, he smells antiseptic and death. The decay of Harry's body. 

Louis cries out, holding himself up on the edge of the desk, sobbing. Harry's bed is stripped, sheets gone to be washed, probably. His desk is a mess, laptop half propped open, sticky notes covering its lid. 

Louis runs his fingers across them, thinking that all Harry has left behind is a few sticky notes, the smell of decay, and the heartbreak inside everyone. 

Louis grabs one, reading it over with a confused frown on his face. 

**Louis, open the laptop. Watch the video saved in the folder, will you? I love you xx**

Louis gasps, hand covering his mouth as he sits down in the chair and opens the laptop completely. It shutters awake, asking for a password. 

Louis racks his mind for anything, but comes up with nothing so he peels off all the sticky notes, reading them quickly. 

**Lou, the password is the only thing I love in the world xx**

Louis gasps once again, tears in his eyes as he types his name into the password bar. 

It allows him in quickly and he clicks on the folder, opening the video and playing it.  
"Haz," Louis murmurs, transfixed by how beautiful this boy is--was.  
He starts crying again, tears silently falling down his cheeks as he watches Harry smile, a teary-eyed upturn of lips.  
"Lou, love, this isn't because of you no matter what the ten reasons say. It's about _me_. I left because I can't take loving you anymore and it's my fault for loving you so wholly. You probably don't reciprocate those feelings and that's okay, Lou. It is because I won't be there for you to feel awkward about it. I'm already gone if you're watching this. I just...wanted to give you a personal message before I left...the other ten reasons didn't seem fitting for you, my love.  
"Here's the rest of the thirteen reasons why, in case you're wondering. They're a little different, though." Harry grins, mischievous. "So beware.  
"Eleven, I love you because of your smile. It's crinkly-eyed and beautiful and pure, concentrated sunshine, Louis, and I love it almost as much as I love you.  
"Twelve is because of your attitude. You don't let anyone push you around no matter their size or their power. I used to resent you for that when Dick would...well, you know. But now it's become something I love. I love your sassy, asshole-ish, beautiful personality because it's you and I love _all_ your little things.  
"Three is because you're you, Lou. Because of all your little mannerisms and quirks. Like how you can't sleep without a cup of tea or how you hate the sound of your voice. How you have to squeeze into your jeans or the way you always seem to get me in trouble while remaining innocent yourself. Louis, you're beautiful--inside and out--and I hope you can find it in your beautiful heart to forgive me for loving you. I couldn't stand it if you hated me." Harry chuckles, a dark, scary sound. "Even if I'll never truly know your feelings.  
They're both crying now--Harry through the screen and Louis outside of it--and the sound of Harry's loud sob makes Louis cringe, sobbing harder himself.  
"So that, Louis William Tomlinson, is why I, Harry Edward Styles, am truly, madly, _deeply_ in love with you. I hope you manage to at least pretend to love me in return. Goodbye, my love. I'll see you on the flipside. Love, H." 

The video goes dark and so does Louis because he's truly, madly, deeply in love with a dead boy and he's oh, so fucked.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are immensely appreciated. stay safe x


End file.
